Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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