I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize