This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
