giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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