Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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