we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
