Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
