Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
