I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
