She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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