my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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