i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
