Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I fill condoms, not promises.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
