I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
