Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
