There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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