I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
