i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
