Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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