last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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