Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
