I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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