They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
