someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
