I showed him my bush... on skype.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
