No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
