yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
