just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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