My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
