we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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