in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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