I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
