Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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