Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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