Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize