you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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