I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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