just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
