Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
