im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
