Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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