Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
