cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
