Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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