do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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