I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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