im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
