My sheets look like a crime scene.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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