I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
