I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize