The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize