She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
