i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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