so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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