We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
