I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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