i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
