Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
