My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
there's paper in my vomit.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
